WHY MEN ARE CRYING BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

                                             

Whoever said that a real man is defined by his ability to shut off his feelings? Real men do not cry, so I am told. Apparently as a man, the more I pretend I do not care, the more of a man I am. Maybe whoever says this have their reasons. For now, that does not interest me for this is what I think….

This is where I ask men to forgive me for any secret I bring out with or without my knowledge. Let me make it clear that I respect the “Bro code”.

 If you spot a group of men from a far deep in conversation, if there is one thing you are almost sure they are not discussing. It is love related matters; it is usually football, lots and lots of football. Other times girls, and do not get me wrong. Not how much they love girls. The word will be how ‘crazy’ they are about this girl or how attractive she is. They will avoid the word love as much as they can. A man will obviously and clearly be head over heels for a girl but when asked by his mates about it, will shrug her off as an acquaintance or claim she is the one after him.

If there is one thing I will never admit I envy about ladies, or maybe I just did, is their ability to share on love related matters. I don’t understand why a group of men is mistaken to be a gang. Ladies make the perfect gang, assassins to be more specific. They will stand by each other to the grave. If you break her trust me her friends will be the first to know and offer her support. Equally when you making her feel like Meghan Markle on the day of the royal wedding, they will know. Ladies are each other’s emotional safe havens.

Men on the other hand, are die-hards. He would rather visit the doctor first from depression rather than open up to his friends about a heartbreak. He will cry behind closed doors and pretend not to care in public. Let me make it known. If anyone out there ever doubted if men have a heart. Yes we do. The biggest of hearts. I just think most of men just like to play safe. I think we are misjudged. I think there is too much expectation on how a man should be. What he ought to do or not do. I equally believe some of us are afraid. Most of us are good actors, Oscar deserving. But don’t point fingers, it’s our nature. It’s what makes us interesting.

With all that said I think it’s not any less cool for a man to talk about love. I mean, I talk about it, does that make me any less of a man? For my sake let that remain rhetorical. But I mean, it’s no secret our chests are not a vacuum covered by a layer of muscles under which lies an ice cold ribcage. There is a heart in there. I will tell you something that biology didn’t teach you. Another function of the heart besides pumping blood. Loving. I don’t understand why we placed all this stigma around men openly talking about love. It’s no secret that most of the legendary love songs have been composed and sang by men. And still we continue to dominate. Sorry but I have to PG18 drop this one. But how can we make love if we have no love or feelings. Coz let no one fool you, it’s not all about kiss, touch and smash. Kiss, touch and smash, then repeat the process. It’s boring and doesn’t last if there are no feelings involved.

I am putting my neck on the line when I say we are weak, we get attached too. We love too. We get crazed too. Ask Samson from the bible, if he is not honest enough. Ask David, he was a king, he had everything. He was the perfect example of a man, had everything a man would want, power and all. Yet we all know how the story goes. I believe men shouldn’t be afraid to express their feelings, doesn’t make you any less of a man. Think of life as a battle of the sexes. And we know where the boy child is.

There is nothing too complicated about men. If you look deep enough with an open mind, we are pretty simple to understand. I once heard that a man is like a baby, it was a conversation about how in marriage a man is your first baby. And I will ask, do babies cry? Before you go all judgmental, I dint say men are babies and neither did I say they are not. A kikuyu proverb goes “A clever person has no difficulty in understanding information” hopefully I translated that right. So ladies when he wrongs you and cries about it, can we always just forgive him. He really means it *wink*.

GUILTY AS CHARGED

I do not consider myself a snoopy person. I very much like to mind my own business. But once in a while when a chance presents itself I like to bring out my bad side. It’s a one-time misuse of ‘all work and no play makes jack a dull boy’. So it’s only fair that the bad boy in me comes out to play. It’s nothing nasty. I promise.

So am driving home last evening. Ok, let me rephrase that. I am driving home in a ‘matatu’ last evening. And there is a lady in the seat just before mine holding up her phone. Undisturbed that some peeping Tom behind her is exploring the privacy of her phone. Some good Christian thought whispers in my mind “Mind your own business Joseph”

But almost in quick succession in a battle to win my mind, there is this loud voice in my head.

“It’s a long way home, we have to find a way to beat this traffic, now don’t we?”

Who am I to say no? So I quickly turn my eyes to binoculars mode and brace myself for something nice and hopefully naughty. She seems to have a secret mission of entertaining my eyes as she goes direct to her messages.

“Dear, how do are you doing, did you complete the errands that you were to run? If not let me know when you are done.” The text reads. Then she starts to type a reply.

 “Not a bad start” I tell myself. I confirm the sender to make sure it is from one of the opposite sex. Otherwise, this conversation would be as good as over.

 “Yes, I am now done, on my way to the estate.” Until now you might me wondering what the big deal is. So, I couldn’t see her face but from her hands I could tell she was a fairly older lady. Much older than my mum.

“What sheer luck of manners!” you might think. Its ok, am guilty as charged. So just before she hits the send button she seems to have a quick thought. She deletes the message and starts typing again.

“Hello Dear, am doing good, am done with what I was doing and am now on my way to the estate. Thanks very much for your concern.” If you don’t realize the difference between the two then there is definitely a problem.

With the current changes in technology, texts messages have become a major way of how we communicate to those we love or share affection with. The difference is the platform on which you do the texting. At least we can now tell who took composition seriously back at school. Dictation not so much, thanks to autocorrect. I believe that how you draft that text or that reply really matters. Your partner on the other side has no way of knowing the emotion with which the text was written. It all depends on how you choose to communicate it. Emoji’s have been of much help as far as expressing emotions is concerned.

Therefore, for me I believe that sliding in sweet names is always an additional blow of much needed oxygen to fern that love flame that keeps the both of you going. The following two texts will be interpreted differently but can be sent to mean the same thing.

“Darling, I am ok”

“I am ok”

I believe the second statement contains some level of doubt of whether the sender is really ok. But, the presence of the word darling in the first serves as an assurance of some sort. (And talking of assurance listen to Assurance-Davido)

Written communication requires a lot of skill. It’s like negotiating peace with a group of gun men, with a gun pointed at your head. You just have to be careful what you say. Or maybe that’s a bit overboard but I want to believe you still get the point. When it comes to that special someone, take your time after drafting a message and think of how the other person will view it. We may not all be talented in wording but always remember, writing is not like taking. The recipient cannot tell your tone or emotion. So do your best and choose your words right and do not be afraid to add one more word to get it just right. Plus, a sweet word will never be read negatively so drop as many as you can the next time you text him or her.

A KISS AT THE CITY SQUARE

Hello guys. Should I start by mentioning that today I made it to work on time. I did not have to do a splint from the bus stop to the work place, as most days. A loud of applause for me. Special thanks to my alarm clock, my bed for feeling less warm this morning. And most importantly that crazy driver. Never had I appreciated irresponsible driving as I did today. You did make my adrenaline flash from time to time. Nevertheless, thank God am now drafting this post. After all what is life without some bits of recklessness?

However, let me not bigmouth you with my not so cool life. I have just alighted the bus and I join all these other masses of people who seem to have woken up earlier than I have. And here I was feeling so proud of myself.

I make my coat, adjust my trousers and put on an “I-AM –AN-IMPORTANT-PERSON-IN-SOME-BIG-OFFICE-AND –AM-ALSO-HEADED-TO-WORK” look. I join in on the town circus of busy people with big important jobs.

But turns out everything is not always as serious. If you are, keen enough.

“Damn! If only I was that bold,” I say to myself as I notice a couple hug then kiss. Right there on the busiest street in Nairobi, Moi Avenue Just right next to Mr. Price. There are several buses stuck in traffic Jam and you expect the shiftless passengers not to notice a free episode of “If loving you is wrong”. These are the kind of stuff Ezekiel Mutua does not like us to see. One person in particular, unconsciously finds himself glaring.

“If only that was me” I imagine he must be thinking. I also picture there is a lady cursing, out of jealousy maybe.

“What a lack of manners and respect!”

If you are reading this from somewhere else other than Africa then you must be thinking, what is the big deal? But if you are from here, then I have one question for you. Would you do it? Personally, No at least not yet. I need to grow some balls first, (no offense to myself or anyone for this matter) not that the ones I have are not sufficient, but you get the point. This is Africa and there are expectations on the kind of way we express our love especially in public.

Sometimes I don’t get why there is such stigma on couples holding hands in public. For the ones who have tried it you must admit that it takes a lot of courage. However, the feeling of ‘I don’t care what the world thinks, it’s me against the world” is one of the greatest feeling you will experience as a couple. Ok, apart from the most obvious. And I strongly believe those who criticize only luck the guts to do the same. I am also a strong believer that even the slightest public display of affection, is a big confidence builder to your partner. If he can hold your hand in public then it shows he is proud and not ashamed of you. He is ready to let the world know your souls have been intertwined.

Let not my opinions be mistaken as a disregard for African culture. I refuse to be the judge of what is wrong or right or how far you can go in public as a couple. Maybe I need to get a bit of advice myself.

One reason some choose to keep their feelings as a couple to themselves is the fear of being judged. I have heard jealous people talk.

“Look at how they hold hands in public, their love is still new and childish. We were there at one point. It will all come to an end soon and they will get bored of each other”

Moreover, I think it is less of African culture and more of judgmental stereotypes who have ruined their love lives and would like to condemn others to stale love lives. By inflicting guilt, doubt and the fear of being shamed in public.

As much as this is Africa, life is yours to live and enjoy. Am not asking you to walk around naked, no. But do not let the fear of being judged by another person stop you from making another being feel special.

We are Africans and Africans with big hearts capable of expressing love in big ways. Yes, we have our cultural Do’s and Don’ts but that in no way affects our ability to love. No matter where we are or who we are with. So the next time you are on the streets with that special person I dare you told hold that hand. Alternatively, if that is too much to ask, at least do a finger.