WHY YOU DON’T NEED YOUR VOTERS CARD TO GET CONJUGAL RIGHTS

So its election year here in Kenya and as expected our “Honorable” politicians are coming up with all kinds of schemes to get us to get our voters cards. And on the top of the list is one that has left most people raising their eyebrows in shock. Apparently it turns out, they have the power over our wives and girlfriends. I wonder what part of our constitution gives them the power to stipulate under what circumstances whatever is supposed to happen behind closed bedrooms’ doors happens and if it should happen. That’s what our so called learned friends would call ‘Misuse of power’ that is if they have any power at all.
Anyway politicians are not my concern for this article, but before we go on to the matter at hand. I will take my time to state that I think it’s pretty hypocritical and unwise of them unless they are trying to be funny, which I highly doubt. I wish I had some way of knowing what goes on behind their bedroom doors, not that am a pervert or anything, or maybe I am.
Honestly speaking am here to talk about sex. Yes, you got me right SEX. So before you continue reading this, make sure you are in a private place or alone. Because things are about to get sexy. If you are in the office, make sure no colleague is around eavesdropping, if in a matatu make sure your seatmate’s eyes are not fixed at you. Trust me you don’t want to be reading this with someone else. You know am kidding, right? But now that I’ve captured your attention let me dive right in.
I will start with a question for you guys, why is it such a big deal to you ladies when you see a big guy. And I mean “BIG” feel free to explore your imagination. Why are those big arms and that six pack such a big deal? Well, I think its most probably because performance will most at times be paired with physical strength. That is why if you want to start your own Kenyan version of Fifty Shades of Grey, if only it was legal, then you don’t go for the skinny guy, you go for the Shemar Moore, Paul walker, Dwayne Johnson or maybe Cristiano Ronaldo kind of guy, ladies feel free to google. Guys on the other hand are obsessed with curves, even Meghan Trainor knew that ‘boys need a little more booty to hold at night’ whatever it is she meant with that.
It’s true, sex is important between couples, I believe it brings something new and exciting, maybe even more than exciting. But sometimes I believe it can be misused. And most of these times it tends to luck meaning. Sex has a meaning? Other than pleasure, countless orgasm, and whatever other kinky staff you get out of it? According to me yes, religiously sex is said to be sacred, only to be shared by those in marriage. But it’s also said to be for procreation and companionship. Therefore, many people understand it differently. The point is to let it remain mysterious. There is a reason there is a difference between human and wild animals, dogs to be specific, coz cats are pretty secretive. Maybe even more that humans nowadays. But that’s beside the point. I believe that the gift of sex is only adequately and satisfactorily shared where there exists love. Most will testify to that. And there is more to relationships than just intercourse. For I believe that for two people to connect sexually, they must be able to bond emotionally, those who have studied the art of sex will tell you sex is more than just penetration. So guys let’s not misuse sex. Think of it this way. Think of that which you have in abundance, that which you don’t lack, that which is always at your reach. Of what importance is it to you, how much do you value it? How do you feel each day you have it? I would bet, pretty normal. Now think of that thing that you’ve always wanted to have, or that which doesn’t come around easily, maybe once in a while. If you haven’t gotten it, think of the feeling you will have once you get it, if you have, remember the feeling when you got it. It’s like running ten laps around a football pitch and then someone teasing you of not giving you some water. You would kill for it, and when you finally get it, you feel like you’ve been reborn. Now, here is my homework, take every example I’ve given and replace it with sex. And build the whole picture by yourself.
Finally, I have a word of advice to our politicians, you seem to want those votes so badly. Here is what you can do, abstain from sex from now to the elections and preserve that energy for the campaigns. Let’s see how well that works out for you.

Lets Talk Business

   Hello guys, today i thought i should take my time and test my business skills on you, sorry if its sound rude or like am bragging, i assure you its nothing like it seems. so, lets get to business.
   I thought I should start with the definition of business. But, unfortunately I cant come up with something smart to scare you guys. so I will go around it the best way i know how. So, have you noticed how if anyone who doesn't a have a titled career like lets say a doctor, a pilot and all that, when asked what he or she does claims to be a business man or woman? well, that's the diversity of business. Confused? OK, let me try and put it  in a simpler way. A business in simple terms is an undertaking that benefits you in terms of cash or any other form, that can be quantified in monetary terms(you wont find that in any dictionary). Smart, right?
    With all that said, its almost impossible to talk about business without talking of investment. Now this is where love comes in. Whats an investment you might ask? Sorry am sure u r too smart to ask that. Am not here to show you how much business i know but you don't need an MBA to know that investing is putting your money into a venture that you believe will give you even more money ,simply put. I believe loving someone to be an investment, and the same way that you hear that investments are for the risk takers. Those not afraid of loosing their money. so is love. its not for the faint hearted, the amount of faith and trust you need to have for the one you are entering into "partnership" with cannot be underestimated. Its like taking a million dollars and investing it in a start up company, with no past cash flows to look at, you just have to look at forecasts and hope that the future brings good things. Sounds very unwise I know.
        If the little knowledge av acquired in business school serves me right, then i believe a business  has cycles, five or four i presume. There will be the start stage when the business is still young, then it will start to grow and then establish itself and if you are lucky will perpetually continue generating positive cash flows. But that is not guaranteed, it may face challenges and decline. At this stage you can decide to close or move to new ventures. Anyway enough flexing my knowledge muscles.
      Love also in a similar way has its stages, that i believe can be compared to that of the business. There is the courtship stage that can be compared to the start up, this is where you get to know each other, you try to establish your love for one another, this also can be called testing waters, as to if your relationship will be viable. And did i mention that this requires a lot of capital, getting her wont come cheap i know you guys can attest to that. Then when she finally says yes, now you are established and its official in the registrar of relationships that, there exists such a couple and no one can come claiming to own anything registered under the union. Hopefully your love will grow and also exist perpetually, i believe that is always the ultimate goal. But just like in business , that is not always guaranteed. The partnership may experience problems when the partners no longer agree, or if one partner's actions are not in the best interest of the other. For instance indulging in other business deals outside the partnership in secrecy.
       As i conclude, one key thing about investments is that , the investor expects returns. Just like in business, profits are essential. Undertaking a business that reports losses year in year out is just crazy, you don't need a professor to tell you that. Neither can you invest in a company making losses. Its throwing away your money. The same applies to love, staying stuck in a relationship that no longer adds benefits you, is insane. Some businesses will work while others will fail, that is just the nature of business and am sure most of us have no objection to that, that's why we keep hustling. I want us to apply the same to love, that there are relationships meant to work while others are just not meant to be keep trying until you find that which suits you. And if you are in a relationship that doesn't benefit you, walk out and if he or she asks you any question, am giving you permission to be rude and say. Nothing personal, just business!

Let The Heart Be The Boss

    William Shakespeare said that a light heart lives long. Most people will probably tell you not to put all your heart in one place and to guard it as it is your most valued treasure. I agree. But, on the treasure part, but about not putting your heart in one place, I have some reservations. Yeah I know it makes perfect sense to want to be even a little bit careful and protect yourself. But I also believe that a bird afraid of falling can never learn to fly. But you might ask me, what do I know of birds? Not a lot. But I will ask you this. Do you know how to ride a bicycle? I want to assume yes. Now do you remember that first time you got both your feet up? Do you remember the feeling? Me for one, I felt like I was flying an airplane. But I had fell n bruised myself many times before. But that hadn’t deterred me. Now if I sat down and listened to my mum tell me bicycles are dangerous. And decided to play safe, I wouldn’t have experienced the feeling I got. Now I know you are probably not sure if that example was the best. So let me bring you and me on the same page. You might think that riding a bicycle is pretty simple. So is falling in love. As a matter of fact, I believe falling in love is easier. Here is how and I don’t mean to be a pessimist but, when it comes to bicycles the pain comes before the excitement but with falling in love the pain if any, comes after the greatest frequents of adrenaline rush you will ever experience and I mean this in the good way. Any way enough about bicycles.
    It’s an agreeable fact that a heart that is in love has a tendency of being pretty stupid at times, ok most of the times. I for one have found myself making decisions and telling myself subconsciously
     “You are going to regret this.” but still do it anyway. Or doing something and then being like
      “I didn’t just do that!” It’s like when you are in love your brain and your heart become enemies. For instance, have you had a friend blinded so much by love that he or she is stuck in an abusive or an ‘unprofitable’ (don’t ask which one that is) relationship that they can’t seem to get out of. And things are so clear to you that it’s no longer beneficial but they still stick. And one day they come crying to you and you’ve just had enough and you yell at them…
      “Can’t you just use your brains for once!” Don’t blame them, most of us have been there, if not you will get there, not to be a prophet of doom or anything but…anyway am just trying to make a point. Scientifically and logically the brain is bigger in size than the heart, right? But for someone in love most of the times when the two challenge one another in a fight the heart will always seem to win. Come to think of it. Medically speaking, a heart attack will kill you almost instantly while a brain tumor can eat you up for several years…at least I think so. Well, my point is, for someone in love the heart is pretty powerful. You’ve heard people say ‘matters of the heart’ are complicated and warned you not to come in between two people in love whether fighting or cuddling. Nine out of ten of the times, they actually know what they are talking about. You never want to be caught up in a love triangle, most times the triangle ends up without one of the corners, if you see what I did there.
     So what of those who tell you not to love someone completely or as most would say ‘with all your heart’. There is nothing wrong with having a backup plan. But I believe when it comes to matters relationship that almost never works. You are either completely in or out. In or out…. In or out…Iiin! Or ooouut! …ok guys I think I’ve made my point now. I won’t ‘push’ it.
     As I wind up, I will ask a question. Do you believe when someone tells you to trust your guts? Or even your instincts. What of when people ask you to follow your heart or listen to your heart. The later do not exist only in fairy tales and soap operas, they do mean something in real life and actually work. I know a heart in love can be stupid but come to think of it, we were all born stupid, and we trusted our mum and dad coz they said they loved us and look where that got you, nowhere bad I presume. So am asking you to take a leap of faith guys, remember with high risks comes big rewards and nothing good comes easy. Lucky for you guys I have an easy way to happiness for you, just let the heart be the boss!  

Do Not Call Me By Name

     Happy new year my most esteemed readers. It's that time of the year again where we get to go on and about our so called new year resolutions that don't even get to see the end of the month. Not to worry,  av got one silent God given resolution that you've kept year in year out.
     So, still talking about resolutions.  Do you remember the day you were born? Silly me! ofcourse not. I will tell you one other thing you were not aware of,  that from that day you passed a resolution that the two people that made you and we're probably smiling their faces out the day you came into this world, will always remain special to your heart and you will never call them by name.
     If there is one person that I have never and will probably never call by name is my mother.  The very idea is just absurd and weird.  For instance imagine your dad's name is Chris,  you are at the dinner table,  you need him to pass you the salt. Would you call out?
     "Hey Chris,  can you pass me the salt"
It's just weird, and unheard of, it would probably lead you into trouble.  It doesn't mean that that's not his name,  it just means that your relationship is beyond official.
      So here is my point. I want to believe if you are curious enough to read this article you must have a special someone somewhere. I am not sure what his or her name is but one thing am sure is that you have called them one of these...
    Babe-If she is sexy. Boo-If you find her sexy. Pumpkin- As she is bright and sweet. Cupcake- If she is sweet and yummy. Lemon- If she adds something new and exciting to your life. Booboo-if he kisses all your Booboos better... And for those who watch telenovelas-Mi Amor, sweetheart, darling, Bae... 
      Basically the list is endless, we can go on and on. Mine also has a special one just for me... Want to hear it?  Well,  if I tell you guys it won't be so special  after all.
       My question is,  if you have an endless list of names you can call that special someone to make them feel even more special,  why ruin it by calling them by their names.? Like my earlier example it's just weird and absurd.
      I will give you a short story of mine. Am walking to school one morning and I notice Bae in front of me about 100m or so.  So I could shout to her or blow a whistle at her,  but that's degrading and disrespectful,  and I also could call her by name, but it would just come out wrong.  So what do I do? ... I bolt as fast as I can until am close enough to whisper "babe".  And she says
     "Why did you have to run?,  why not just call out?"
      "And call you babe in public in front of all these people?"

Sure enough most would have just used the name as the safer option which doesn't involve 'burning some calories'.
So guys let's be romantic and drop those funny names, unless, her name is such as, Rose, Melody, Daisy,  Angel or CINDERELLA.
Therefore I hereby declare 2017 a year of sweet names. And am giving you a new years resolution please do not call him or her by name.

LOVEBIRDS FLY AWAY!