Versace On The Floor

"Baby, lets kiss until we are naked... I love that dress but you wont need it anymore..." Each and every time I hear this song by Bruno mars I always hate that am single. Never have I heard a song that inspires love making like this one does. The song itself I believe is a sex manual. I stand corrected. Its like a how to guide, better than any Wiki how page you will find.
Every good movie has a good sound track to it. Mostly the sound track helps set the mood, gives the audience an idea of the kind of mood the scene expects. It would be absurd to have a horrific sound track in a love scene. Or a lovely and soothing soundtrack where its expected we be scared.
Love making is just like a good movie in the making. Don't get me wrong, not the porn kind of movie.  The wrong kind of sound track spoils everything.
Remember that day, when she finally agreed to come at your place for "lunch", "dinner" or a "movie". The special kind of the three if you know what am saying *wink*. You have always had faith in that playlist of yours until that one song that you didn't know you had, came in, like an uninvited guest during your wedding who thinks they know you and wants a piece of cake before anyone else has his piece. It's like it knows exactly where to come in so as to spoil everything. You both try to smile it out but no, its too stubborn to  smile out. Then you end up discussing the song instead, as if that's the most interesting thing at the moment. And if that's not bad enough, she suggests you play the radio instead.
"The radio!! Seriously?" you wonder to yourself as you pretend as if that's not in the slightest way offensive.
"OK babe, today's countdown is always my the best. " You say to give yourself hope as you try to reestablish yourself in your already ruined world of music.
I have a solution for you, just play Versace on the floor and put it on repeat. Trust me she wont notice the difference. It will sound like a whole album of Bruno Mars. Or maybe I am exaggerating  a little bit, or maybe a bit,.OK am definitely exaggerating. But can you blame me for loving the song. Lets give credit where its due.
For anyone in doubt about the song. I have a concert tonight at my place. Entry is absolutely free, there will be a special performance by the man himself, Bruno Mars. The only requirement is you must not belong to the same sex as I do. Ladies feel very much welcome. Guys, you better be making love to her to the song tonight. Let us spread the looove.

The 'SHE' Project

Every man loves a challenge. And every girl loves to play hard to get every once in a while. That's what makes courtship somewhat of a game. Like a movie of 'catch me if you can' with  Leonardo DiCaprio.
Pursuing a lady is like undertaking a project, you first have to make a declaration that you have no other commitments anywhere. Make a literature review, this is the general overview of why you are interested in her, explain what you intend to achieve, what is your goal. Here you will deal with questions such as, why me? What will stop you from leaving me? What makes me so special? Why do you love me?
So when i met you, there was that deep connection between the two of us. But because of one reason or the other we couldn't tangle, not as much as i wanted. Unfortunately there was too much going on with you.  The way you were around me rang bells of 'I_want_you_and_very_much_love_your_company'.
Those were the first days, when our hearts were still warm. Warm with expectations, we were still discovering ourselves. Each day i had found a different and new way to make you smile.
But now there started to develop something that was blocking me. Maybe not a permanent barrier, coz i could still get to you. But, there was a sieve. Something that was blocking that which wasn't safe for your heart maybe. One day i would feel we were definitely headed in the right direction and the next day i would feel like something had changed.
The way things seemed. You had a lot going on your life. Or maybe it's your thirst for that which you expected to receive from the world, and the fear of disappointment. When things turned out not as good.
For someone who reads so much of fantasy romance novels you sure have a lot of reservations.
I can tell you want all those things plus more. Don't ask me what. I can see the hunger in your eyes. The hunger for a  special kind of love. Wish i could be the chef that satisfies your hunger. The rhythm that your heart beats to. The director, Your director. Wish we could make us a soap opera. I already  have the ending figured out. Trust me they wont see this one coming.
But for now all i can do is wish. How i wish i could make you my project. I have all the resources i need. I know we have a lot of work to do. But guided by one objection, to make you mine. I will be the hardest worker you've ever seen. Let me make you my field of study. I am sure there is more to you than you let out, I can feel it. So, with one knee on the floor i ask, will you be my project?

Designated Survivor

Designated survivor. What comes to mind when you hear these two words? Am sure by now most of us have already enjoyed the series. If not, then what are you waiting for? Am giving you a day, go watch it then come back I won’t have moved an inch. I will still be here waiting for you. That’s how much I care for you. Who are we kidding? Am sure your curiosity would probably get the best of you and you would still end up reading the whole article anyway. So since that’s your fault and you can’t blame me for spoiling the movie for you, let us continue. Shall we? So who is a designated survivor? you might ask. Sorry but when I tried to google the meaning, the best google could do was advertise the movie series. So once again go watch the movie. Sorry, you can’t say I didn’t try.
I am done playing around with your patience. I always seem to talk about love, so am sure you must be wondering how the movie fits in love related matters. Sorry to burst your bubble if you haven’t watched the movie but the producer didn’t exactly have love as a theme for the movie, the actors have their pants on pretty much through the whole movie. Sorry. So here is the catch, we are going to be talking about the heart.
Sometimes I think God was unfair when allocating functions to the parts of the body. For such a small part, the heart was surely given more than it should have. But what do I know? He is the big boss and we ask no questions. So this is it. I’ve talked in my previous articles, about how most of us are careful not to put our hearts or love all in one place. Most of us at one point in life have or will go through a heart break.
For those of us who can relate, trust me it’s never business as usual. Picture this, our hearts as the president of our bodies. We can agree to it being the big boss. The commander in chief. Scientifically it would make sense to say ‘he’ is in charge of the day to day running of his ‘nation’. The brain is his chief of staff, the eye is the minister for foreign affairs the rest I leave for you to decide on how your cabinet will be structured. Feel free to leave a comment in the comments below let’s see how creative you can be.
When we get into a relationship, we will agree that it’s always a big risk. A threat to national security. Anything can happen and there are no guarantees. Just like Tom Kirkman was the designated survivor on the night of the state union, he was the guy to head the country incase anything was to happen to the president, vice and those who follow in the hierarchy of power. I believe the heart should have a designated survivor. I know the whole idea sounds absurd but give it a thought. Our case is even worse than the movie. Think, if anything was to happen to the heart, which organ would step in, the brain? Trust me am speaking from experience when I say it’s not to be trusted. How many times have people gone back to their exes after a heart break? Do you think they were using their brains? And now that ‘Mr. Intelligent’ is out of the picture, what other options do we have. And please let’s not talk of anything below the shoulders, and even worse nothing below the waist. That is a national disaster, a state of emergency. Then what do I suggest, that we should be born with three hearts, one for pumping blood, the other for love related issues and one more just in case one of the first two fails? If that’s what it takes to bring sanity in the world of relationships, then yes. In fact, when I resurrect for my second part of life I want to come back prepared, (nitakuja nimejipanga).
If there is something life has taught me, is to always have a backup plan. No matter how obvious it seems that things will play out in your favor. Always ask yourself what if. This is in no way a ticket for all of you to get paranoid or untrustworthy, just keep your eyes and mind open. Relationships are as critical as running a nation. And just like in the movie sometimes it doesn’t take qualifications. As a matter of fact, there are no qualifications to run a perfect relationship. You just need to believe in it enough and work towards it, and the secret is not to give up easily. There is always an option. Someone said if plan A fails, try plan B if that fails, the alphabet has over 20 more letters.

Our First Kiss

A kiss wasn’t the first thing that came to mind the first time I saw her. But I must have thought to myself, damn! is she pretty or what? I could say it was love at first site but due to the fear you might not believe me, let us not go there, at least not yet. I remember on that first day I got one of those weird feelings that something about her just felt right. My eyes were stuck on her for the whole evening. She was new to the place and I was more than willing to be of help. I knew that fate had something in store for us but never had I guessed it would come as soon as it did.
Through the next couple of days, I had found myself wondering how it would feel to kiss her. I remember how I would steal glances at her lips and imagine them interlocked with mine. She had the kind of eyes that you just wanted to stare down, they were the kind of eyes that had that innocent look and a bit of naughty written on them. It itched me not to know her in so many other ways. Unfortunately, most of the times we met was in public eyes and this wasn’t the best place to confess my overly growing affection towards her. I would intentionally make us lag behind after crowds and colleagues and pass her naughty compliments and comments. She would smile or pass a hand gesture and I would feel like the greatest man in the world even if for just a second.
She had a ‘more than just ok ‘body. The kind that caused heads to turn, the kind that was not too sexy to marry but hot enough to give you insecurities. Her personality was the kind that forced a smile on every man’s face who dared talk to her. The kind of personality that kept every man on his good behavior. She was the kind of girl who was not shy to make her presence known in a group. The kind who commanded attention without begging for it. She was most definitely my kind of girl.
On this fateful day, I had hit the jackpot. I was the man on top of the world. Today was the second time she was coming at my place ‘for a movie’. The first time she came I had painfully played the gentleman card. The closest we came together had been when I hugged her goodbye. This time I planned things to be different, I risked being taken as a looser. It was today or never. This sudden need to kiss her had to be satisfied. I sound crazy, I know, trust me I was even more crazy at the time. suddenly I couldn’t think straight, it was like I was thinking from my lips. Every conversation we  seemed to start was boring to me. I didn’t want to talk anymore, I just wanted to shut her up and show her a different kind of language. The language of our lips. It’s not like I am the best kisser there is but I was pretty confident of myself.
So, I took a deep breath. I thought to myself, what the heck. Her being there, at my place, just me and her, looking as beautiful as she did, must have counted for and meant something. Otherwise, what kind guy did she take me for? What could possibly go wrong? What is the worst that could have happened?
I took a not so long look into her eyes, she stared back and her eyes seemed to give in to my silent request. so I leaned in and went for it. Three seconds must have felt like a life time coz when she finally pulled away I knew; I wasn’t anywhere close to having enough. Now I needed no permission to really show her how I felt. It didn’t take long and I was already running out of breath, I was already breathing heavily. I had always had this fear of drowning, and now it felt as if I was drowning but not of water but pleasure. How was that even possible? Had she not taken small breaks to look deep into my eyes and let me know the feeling was mutual, I would think she was trying to run me out of breath and kill me. But now I was sure she needed and wanted me too much to want me dead. That couch had always felt big, but today it felt small. We moved from one position to the next for two main reasons among others. One, to showcase my prowess in the art of love making and two, to find the most comfortable position coz it was clear this was going to take some time. It was amazing how perfectly she fit in my arms. It was as if she were hand made for me. she must have been impressed coz I was, with myself. It was as if we had rehearsed for this day time and again. Everything seemed to fit perfectly, there was no wrong step, no wrong move or weird moment. That’s how things were, just perfect…….
To be continued

WHY YOU DON’T NEED YOUR VOTERS CARD TO GET CONJUGAL RIGHTS

So its election year here in Kenya and as expected our “Honorable” politicians are coming up with all kinds of schemes to get us to get our voters cards. And on the top of the list is one that has left most people raising their eyebrows in shock. Apparently it turns out, they have the power over our wives and girlfriends. I wonder what part of our constitution gives them the power to stipulate under what circumstances whatever is supposed to happen behind closed bedrooms’ doors happens and if it should happen. That’s what our so called learned friends would call ‘Misuse of power’ that is if they have any power at all.
Anyway politicians are not my concern for this article, but before we go on to the matter at hand. I will take my time to state that I think it’s pretty hypocritical and unwise of them unless they are trying to be funny, which I highly doubt. I wish I had some way of knowing what goes on behind their bedroom doors, not that am a pervert or anything, or maybe I am.
Honestly speaking am here to talk about sex. Yes, you got me right SEX. So before you continue reading this, make sure you are in a private place or alone. Because things are about to get sexy. If you are in the office, make sure no colleague is around eavesdropping, if in a matatu make sure your seatmate’s eyes are not fixed at you. Trust me you don’t want to be reading this with someone else. You know am kidding, right? But now that I’ve captured your attention let me dive right in.
I will start with a question for you guys, why is it such a big deal to you ladies when you see a big guy. And I mean “BIG” feel free to explore your imagination. Why are those big arms and that six pack such a big deal? Well, I think its most probably because performance will most at times be paired with physical strength. That is why if you want to start your own Kenyan version of Fifty Shades of Grey, if only it was legal, then you don’t go for the skinny guy, you go for the Shemar Moore, Paul walker, Dwayne Johnson or maybe Cristiano Ronaldo kind of guy, ladies feel free to google. Guys on the other hand are obsessed with curves, even Meghan Trainor knew that ‘boys need a little more booty to hold at night’ whatever it is she meant with that.
It’s true, sex is important between couples, I believe it brings something new and exciting, maybe even more than exciting. But sometimes I believe it can be misused. And most of these times it tends to luck meaning. Sex has a meaning? Other than pleasure, countless orgasm, and whatever other kinky staff you get out of it? According to me yes, religiously sex is said to be sacred, only to be shared by those in marriage. But it’s also said to be for procreation and companionship. Therefore, many people understand it differently. The point is to let it remain mysterious. There is a reason there is a difference between human and wild animals, dogs to be specific, coz cats are pretty secretive. Maybe even more that humans nowadays. But that’s beside the point. I believe that the gift of sex is only adequately and satisfactorily shared where there exists love. Most will testify to that. And there is more to relationships than just intercourse. For I believe that for two people to connect sexually, they must be able to bond emotionally, those who have studied the art of sex will tell you sex is more than just penetration. So guys let’s not misuse sex. Think of it this way. Think of that which you have in abundance, that which you don’t lack, that which is always at your reach. Of what importance is it to you, how much do you value it? How do you feel each day you have it? I would bet, pretty normal. Now think of that thing that you’ve always wanted to have, or that which doesn’t come around easily, maybe once in a while. If you haven’t gotten it, think of the feeling you will have once you get it, if you have, remember the feeling when you got it. It’s like running ten laps around a football pitch and then someone teasing you of not giving you some water. You would kill for it, and when you finally get it, you feel like you’ve been reborn. Now, here is my homework, take every example I’ve given and replace it with sex. And build the whole picture by yourself.
Finally, I have a word of advice to our politicians, you seem to want those votes so badly. Here is what you can do, abstain from sex from now to the elections and preserve that energy for the campaigns. Let’s see how well that works out for you.

Lets Talk Business

   Hello guys, today i thought i should take my time and test my business skills on you, sorry if its sound rude or like am bragging, i assure you its nothing like it seems. so, lets get to business.
   I thought I should start with the definition of business. But, unfortunately I cant come up with something smart to scare you guys. so I will go around it the best way i know how. So, have you noticed how if anyone who doesn't a have a titled career like lets say a doctor, a pilot and all that, when asked what he or she does claims to be a business man or woman? well, that's the diversity of business. Confused? OK, let me try and put it  in a simpler way. A business in simple terms is an undertaking that benefits you in terms of cash or any other form, that can be quantified in monetary terms(you wont find that in any dictionary). Smart, right?
    With all that said, its almost impossible to talk about business without talking of investment. Now this is where love comes in. Whats an investment you might ask? Sorry am sure u r too smart to ask that. Am not here to show you how much business i know but you don't need an MBA to know that investing is putting your money into a venture that you believe will give you even more money ,simply put. I believe loving someone to be an investment, and the same way that you hear that investments are for the risk takers. Those not afraid of loosing their money. so is love. its not for the faint hearted, the amount of faith and trust you need to have for the one you are entering into "partnership" with cannot be underestimated. Its like taking a million dollars and investing it in a start up company, with no past cash flows to look at, you just have to look at forecasts and hope that the future brings good things. Sounds very unwise I know.
        If the little knowledge av acquired in business school serves me right, then i believe a business  has cycles, five or four i presume. There will be the start stage when the business is still young, then it will start to grow and then establish itself and if you are lucky will perpetually continue generating positive cash flows. But that is not guaranteed, it may face challenges and decline. At this stage you can decide to close or move to new ventures. Anyway enough flexing my knowledge muscles.
      Love also in a similar way has its stages, that i believe can be compared to that of the business. There is the courtship stage that can be compared to the start up, this is where you get to know each other, you try to establish your love for one another, this also can be called testing waters, as to if your relationship will be viable. And did i mention that this requires a lot of capital, getting her wont come cheap i know you guys can attest to that. Then when she finally says yes, now you are established and its official in the registrar of relationships that, there exists such a couple and no one can come claiming to own anything registered under the union. Hopefully your love will grow and also exist perpetually, i believe that is always the ultimate goal. But just like in business , that is not always guaranteed. The partnership may experience problems when the partners no longer agree, or if one partner's actions are not in the best interest of the other. For instance indulging in other business deals outside the partnership in secrecy.
       As i conclude, one key thing about investments is that , the investor expects returns. Just like in business, profits are essential. Undertaking a business that reports losses year in year out is just crazy, you don't need a professor to tell you that. Neither can you invest in a company making losses. Its throwing away your money. The same applies to love, staying stuck in a relationship that no longer adds benefits you, is insane. Some businesses will work while others will fail, that is just the nature of business and am sure most of us have no objection to that, that's why we keep hustling. I want us to apply the same to love, that there are relationships meant to work while others are just not meant to be keep trying until you find that which suits you. And if you are in a relationship that doesn't benefit you, walk out and if he or she asks you any question, am giving you permission to be rude and say. Nothing personal, just business!

Let The Heart Be The Boss

    William Shakespeare said that a light heart lives long. Most people will probably tell you not to put all your heart in one place and to guard it as it is your most valued treasure. I agree. But, on the treasure part, but about not putting your heart in one place, I have some reservations. Yeah I know it makes perfect sense to want to be even a little bit careful and protect yourself. But I also believe that a bird afraid of falling can never learn to fly. But you might ask me, what do I know of birds? Not a lot. But I will ask you this. Do you know how to ride a bicycle? I want to assume yes. Now do you remember that first time you got both your feet up? Do you remember the feeling? Me for one, I felt like I was flying an airplane. But I had fell n bruised myself many times before. But that hadn’t deterred me. Now if I sat down and listened to my mum tell me bicycles are dangerous. And decided to play safe, I wouldn’t have experienced the feeling I got. Now I know you are probably not sure if that example was the best. So let me bring you and me on the same page. You might think that riding a bicycle is pretty simple. So is falling in love. As a matter of fact, I believe falling in love is easier. Here is how and I don’t mean to be a pessimist but, when it comes to bicycles the pain comes before the excitement but with falling in love the pain if any, comes after the greatest frequents of adrenaline rush you will ever experience and I mean this in the good way. Any way enough about bicycles.
    It’s an agreeable fact that a heart that is in love has a tendency of being pretty stupid at times, ok most of the times. I for one have found myself making decisions and telling myself subconsciously
     “You are going to regret this.” but still do it anyway. Or doing something and then being like
      “I didn’t just do that!” It’s like when you are in love your brain and your heart become enemies. For instance, have you had a friend blinded so much by love that he or she is stuck in an abusive or an ‘unprofitable’ (don’t ask which one that is) relationship that they can’t seem to get out of. And things are so clear to you that it’s no longer beneficial but they still stick. And one day they come crying to you and you’ve just had enough and you yell at them…
      “Can’t you just use your brains for once!” Don’t blame them, most of us have been there, if not you will get there, not to be a prophet of doom or anything but…anyway am just trying to make a point. Scientifically and logically the brain is bigger in size than the heart, right? But for someone in love most of the times when the two challenge one another in a fight the heart will always seem to win. Come to think of it. Medically speaking, a heart attack will kill you almost instantly while a brain tumor can eat you up for several years…at least I think so. Well, my point is, for someone in love the heart is pretty powerful. You’ve heard people say ‘matters of the heart’ are complicated and warned you not to come in between two people in love whether fighting or cuddling. Nine out of ten of the times, they actually know what they are talking about. You never want to be caught up in a love triangle, most times the triangle ends up without one of the corners, if you see what I did there.
     So what of those who tell you not to love someone completely or as most would say ‘with all your heart’. There is nothing wrong with having a backup plan. But I believe when it comes to matters relationship that almost never works. You are either completely in or out. In or out…. In or out…Iiin! Or ooouut! …ok guys I think I’ve made my point now. I won’t ‘push’ it.
     As I wind up, I will ask a question. Do you believe when someone tells you to trust your guts? Or even your instincts. What of when people ask you to follow your heart or listen to your heart. The later do not exist only in fairy tales and soap operas, they do mean something in real life and actually work. I know a heart in love can be stupid but come to think of it, we were all born stupid, and we trusted our mum and dad coz they said they loved us and look where that got you, nowhere bad I presume. So am asking you to take a leap of faith guys, remember with high risks comes big rewards and nothing good comes easy. Lucky for you guys I have an easy way to happiness for you, just let the heart be the boss!  

Do Not Call Me By Name

     Happy new year my most esteemed readers. It's that time of the year again where we get to go on and about our so called new year resolutions that don't even get to see the end of the month. Not to worry,  av got one silent God given resolution that you've kept year in year out.
     So, still talking about resolutions.  Do you remember the day you were born? Silly me! ofcourse not. I will tell you one other thing you were not aware of,  that from that day you passed a resolution that the two people that made you and we're probably smiling their faces out the day you came into this world, will always remain special to your heart and you will never call them by name.
     If there is one person that I have never and will probably never call by name is my mother.  The very idea is just absurd and weird.  For instance imagine your dad's name is Chris,  you are at the dinner table,  you need him to pass you the salt. Would you call out?
     "Hey Chris,  can you pass me the salt"
It's just weird, and unheard of, it would probably lead you into trouble.  It doesn't mean that that's not his name,  it just means that your relationship is beyond official.
      So here is my point. I want to believe if you are curious enough to read this article you must have a special someone somewhere. I am not sure what his or her name is but one thing am sure is that you have called them one of these...
    Babe-If she is sexy. Boo-If you find her sexy. Pumpkin- As she is bright and sweet. Cupcake- If she is sweet and yummy. Lemon- If she adds something new and exciting to your life. Booboo-if he kisses all your Booboos better... And for those who watch telenovelas-Mi Amor, sweetheart, darling, Bae... 
      Basically the list is endless, we can go on and on. Mine also has a special one just for me... Want to hear it?  Well,  if I tell you guys it won't be so special  after all.
       My question is,  if you have an endless list of names you can call that special someone to make them feel even more special,  why ruin it by calling them by their names.? Like my earlier example it's just weird and absurd.
      I will give you a short story of mine. Am walking to school one morning and I notice Bae in front of me about 100m or so.  So I could shout to her or blow a whistle at her,  but that's degrading and disrespectful,  and I also could call her by name, but it would just come out wrong.  So what do I do? ... I bolt as fast as I can until am close enough to whisper "babe".  And she says
     "Why did you have to run?,  why not just call out?"
      "And call you babe in public in front of all these people?"

Sure enough most would have just used the name as the safer option which doesn't involve 'burning some calories'.
So guys let's be romantic and drop those funny names, unless, her name is such as, Rose, Melody, Daisy,  Angel or CINDERELLA.
Therefore I hereby declare 2017 a year of sweet names. And am giving you a new years resolution please do not call him or her by name.

LOVEBIRDS FLY AWAY!